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I almost forgot about you, LJ; here, let me spill out all of the stories and emotions that I can't post elsewhere because I don't want anyone irl to read them.

I'm feeling weird and mad right now. My partner has made it so clear that so much of their "love" for me is based on the fact that they find me physically attractive. It makes me angry because how I look now is temporary, and I might not even want to look like this today, but I'm limited in the ways that I can present myself because I don't have the privileges to go wardrobe shopping every month or get a rhinoplasty or something. Read as: I probably don't even like how I look (and you know that), and you tell me that one of the main reasons why you're with me is because of how I look. Let's talk about CONFLICT, at least from my end. I understand that if I looked differently before we met and you didn't have some physical attraction initially, we probably would have never talked or ended up being together (but even that's a huge if). I don't understand. I would totally at least CONSIDER being with someone even if I don't like how they look, and it seems like you wouldn't. That's not the kind of person I want to date or call my partner, tough shit if that sounds harsh, but how do you think I feel?

I also got in a fight with my mom today over the phone because she expected everything to be okay after a month or two. No, Mother Dear, I still don't trust you, because I TRIED trusting you for six years and each time you failed me. I'm tired of it. I have enough problems of my own, and I don't feel safe talking to you about d3eP p3rS0nAl $tUfF~~~~~~~~~~ if that makes you cry, then I guess that's how it goes; you don't think I cry too?

School starts in less than two weeks I think and I want to welcome the change but at the same time I feel too insignificant to care about future plans. I am empty and sad and spent, and no one can tell, or they don't care, or they don't know what to do about it. I don't even know what to do about it.

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it's almost funny how often I think about suicide, when there's so much I want to do with my life most of the time
But I want to fuck you soooooo badly until you can't stop panting and the only thing you're able to manage between gasps of air is, "Oh Taylorrrrrrrrrrr..."

I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you.

I don't even care that you're older than me, or that it would be unprofessional, and I'm frustrated because I know you would never be okay with it.

I'm just a rude asshole bitch and you're so perfect and I want to see you every day and make you happy because you are beautiful and amazing and you make me cry because I think I fucking love you and I don't even really know you and I JUST FUCKING WANT YOU.

If I have to end my current relationship, that's okay.

I'm a little scared about how strongly I feel this way, and that it's lasted for so long.

I just want to fuck you over and over and over again, all day until you fall asleep and can't speak the next day.

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I keep forgetting I have one of these.

But I'm glad I do because I like going back and reading what was on my mind in the past. I try to only write on here when it's emo/important/don't want that many people to see it because otherwise I can just write on Tumblr.

I'm sad.

Last night was queer prom. I wasn't going to go because I didn't have a date, and like everyone else did, but I decided that yes, I should go, because it was the perfect opportunity to wear the dress I made. Otherwise I probably would've never worn it in public, which would've been a sad day.

Anyway. I'm pretty sad about how it went! I mean I had fun and everything, but I didn't have a date!

And to make things worse... okay I know this is old, BUT. Lucky Charms. Over him, right? Well I thought so. He kinda asked me last week if I wanted to go with him, but I didn't make any committments because I wasn't sure if I was going to go or not, or even that I wanted to go with him (at the time, I know sounds harsh but I thought I was over him and that he was just beating the dead horse).

Well the day before the dance I ran into him and asked him if he was still going, and he was like yeah! I HAVE A DATE AND EVERYTHING. At first I thought he was hinting about me or something, since we have that weird way of interacting with each other, where we say stupid shit like that that could be taken as a joke or serious and I never know what's going on. But no, actuallyyyyyy. He found someone else. And not just that, that guy is also now his boyfriend.

Great. I thought I was over him but when I found out, and when I saw them at the prom together, something inside of me just went :( *sighhhhhhh*

To make things worse, I saw someone else there who I also think is really cute, but I haven't told anyone about it. I completely forgot that he has a boyfriend too because I never see them together. Seeing them dance and grind and shit, it was just too much. I felt so sad even though I don't really talk to him or anything, and I don't even think he knows or cares anything about me other than my name.

Ahhhhhhh. There's more stuff. But basically I'm just really sad.

Also, people think I'm mean apparently. Lucky Charms says that more than one person has said that about me. Part of me is like, whatever, fuck them, but the other part is like, seriously? when? tell me! I'm not mean!

I don't know.

I just see everyone around with a date, and happy, and finding love, or friends, or going somewhere in life, and I never feel that way. I never feel truly happy. Sometimes I have small glimpses in the day, but that's about it. I'm not saying finding someone to date will make me happy; I'm actually really awkward and lame when it comes to dating, big surprise there. I don't know what I'm saying.

I guess I'm just sad because of a lot of things, but mostly because everyone seems to be doing better than me, and I keep feeling inadequate when I know that I'm not. I just want find a purpose and feel content with myself and who I am.

I want someone, or something, that gives me butterflies every day, something that I smile at just with the thought. Something to love.

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I cried tonight.

It was the first time I cried about something that wasn't depression-related in a while.

I miss my grandma :(

My parents and younger sister are here visiting, so it's like we're all a family and shit together. And I don't know why I've missed them so much, and I don't even know why I started doing this, but I started talking about funny shit that happened throughout our childhood, and when we lived in San Jose, shit like that, and then my sister threw in a story or two, and I couldn't stop laughing, and then all of the sudden I started crying.

Because my grandma was such a huge part of my childhood. When we lived in San Jose, and San Ramon. She understood me like my parents didn't. I could talk to her about anything, even the stuff that I can't tell my mom.

Like, shit we've just been through so much together, you know? And now it really really fucking sucks because she's not here anymore and even if my family is all together right now, she's not going to come back, and she's not going to be here.

I really miss her :(

And then, I was like bawling, just sitting there, on my sister's futon, and my mom is across the room on the bed, and my youngest sister is on the floor between us, and my other sister is in the bathroom brushing her teeth, and they all just turn and stare at me. My mom understood that I was missing my abuelita. But still, no one fucking came over to give me a hug or anything.

It was really fucking weird and I felt so raw and exposed. I don't know why no one did anything. So I just went to the bathroom to finish my crying in there, in private.

When I was done, my dad asked me if I was alright, and had to bring up that my mom said something about mi abuelita, and I was just like, Stop. Shut up. No.

That probably sounded mean but. I don't know. I'm just really sad right now.

Goodnight.

The future

is a really scary place.

I'm freaking out because I THINK I've figured out what I want to do with my life. Yeah, two years into college, and NOW I decide.

I want to go to med school. More specifically, I want to become an obstetrician.

I'm currently an Accountancy major. Not sure if that works in my favor or against it. I think it's good because the Accountancy program at my school is ranked somewhat highly (at least, the business school is but I think the specific major is higher than the general school rating). But it's also bad because that's not a science related field at all (it's not even a math one really).

I got into this whole idea because I'm taking an anatomy course right now (just took it to fulfill general science requirement) and I love it. Like really. It's the best course I've taken (though it's certainly not the easiest).

But I don't know if I'm just looking things too fast. Like last year, I wanted to go to fashion school. I still think that would be cool, but I haven't gotten that feeling or anything, seriously, in a while. So maybe this med school thing will just die down?

AND. It's not even like it's easy to get into med school. You're supposed to take your MCATs your junior year, but I'll just be starting to take pre-med classes! So I won't know anything about anything. I could maybe maybe maybe study for them on my own, but I doubt I'll do as well as everyone else, you know?

And so I might have to stay at ASU for another year or so :/ to be honest I don't like that idea. At all. But it might be my only option.

And then med schools have interviews! I suck at interviews. When I try to be outgoing, when I try to be myself, when I try to be friendly, whatthefuckever, no one ever wants me afterward.

I can't volunteer at a nearby hospital because there isn't one!

I'm really overwhelmed right now and don't think I can take it. On top of all this I still haven't finished my dress and this place is still a mess and my parents and sister are going to be here tomorrow morning and I have to have everything perfect and my hair turned out fucked up and I just really don't know what to do about anything anymore and I'm thinking of just double majoring in two busienss fields and just sticking to a business job that I'll be unhappy with for the rest of my life, because that's a lot easier.

But it would be so kick-ass to work with babies and pregnancies and vaginas all day. Embryos, and devlopmental biology is like O_O. It's so amazing. It makes me want to cry.

But it's too hard and it seems out of reach, so part of me wants to just cry for a totally different reason and give up.

If I stayed another year too, I don't think I could still be part of the honors college, and I'd have to pay the last year out of pocket, which would be really expensive, especially if they never consider me as a resident of Arizona.

Sigh. Scream. Close eyes.

Sorry. I'm just really frustrated and I usually come on here just to say what I'm feeling. I don't know. I really don't.

I don't even know what's going on with anything.

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This is all I have left.

I feel so empty inside. Like a clock that's had its motor removed, but the hands keep advancing, keep twisting, round and round and round, never tired, never ending.

LiveJournal is all I have left.

I was so close to just completely erasing myself entirely from the Internet (except for email, need that for school and family and stuff) that I decided to take a break from it all. I feel like I'm cheating on here, but I really needed to write about it and I couldn't find my real journal. I think it's somewhere in the other room.

Have you heard of that shit that they show in the movies, where something is so painful but they have to do that they just tell you "Focus on something, stare at the wall" or whatever. This is going to sound lame but I did that. Today. I stared at the drip of paint right next to my bed until my eyes became watery and everything was blurry and I turned away.

I don't know what's wrong with me. This started out because I needed to focus more on school, but the past couple of hours I haven't been studying or anything. It's like this wave just came over and I felt so powerless in its wake. I feel pulled in a million directions, but I'm firmly anchored here, and my head is spinning but my fingers know the right keys to type. I don't know if this is all imaginary or very real. It feel like its both, and usually I don't take my "depression episodes" seriously because I think they're mostly self-induced and could be avoided. How they could be, I don't know.

I've been thinking about suicide again a lot. The last time these feelings were this strong was middle school, at the point where I had written a note and snuck out to the lake in the middle of the night to jump over the edge. I was on vacation with my family. That would've been stupid. But in the end I was too scared, just like I am now.

So instead I keep dragging this out, drag myself along, and my forehead repeatedly hits the concrete, and dust gathers in my hair and gets in my eyes, and I choke from exhaustion. I want a corner where I can sleep forever soundly, where I don't have to think about issues that I only notice when I think of it in the context of society or interact with other people. I want to be cut-off from everything but it's so hard. I'm not sure if it's harder to not be connected as it is to actually be. I know it hurts less.

Tomorrow I'll probably be fine. I'll wake up early and study for my test. I'll do okay on it, come home, study for my test tomorrow, maybe be sad for a while but I'll pull through. The rest of the week will go on like this, until I hit next weekend, where hopefully I can just lock myself away and not come out for days.I doubt anyone will notice, and if they did it'd only hurt me more.

I doubt anyone will read this since I never really wrote on here or whatever on a regular basis. I don't expect anyone to. I just need to get everything out so I can breathe and sleep and forget.

Fuck you.

I like living alone a lot better than having mi hermana here.

A LOT better.

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This.

I’m writing this because I have no one to talk to. Or perhaps it’s because I don’t want to talk about it to anyone directly. Either way, this is it.

I can’t escape It. It always finds me, regardless of where I am or how I am. I know It finds other people too. Sometimes It is too strong to fight off. Sometimes It confuses me.

But It always hurts. In disguise, in plain sight. Sometimes the symptoms are easy to spot. Some people use It as an excuse. I try not to. I try to avoid the cliché, but I couldn’t cry for help even if It hadn’t sewn my lips together.

I see It in the eyes that surround me. I know It lurks under parked cars, behind leaking toilets, next to quickly painted walls. I can usually ignore It’s presence.
But not tonight.

A few minutes ago, it happened. Late. I had been fighting It, and the curiousity, but it still happened. I couldn’t wait. And I had to do something.

I gave in. It controls me. It knows me.

When It appears, when It grasps you by the torso, it becomes impossible to grapple with reality. Because you’re fighting off another monster, another thing, something worse, something you know you can’t control. Sometimes you can’t control reality either, but It is more prone to drive you towards danger.

They say that you’re hurting yourself. It visits you, affects you, but this is your fault.

No, It did it to me. It’s It’s fault.

It is a locksmith. It has wings. It never sleeps.

And usually I can block It out, or forget about It, but not tonight. Tonight, It owns me. Tonight, It’s taking me on a date.

And afterward, It’ll be the one that hurts me. I’ll watch, powerless. I’ll cry, hot tears sliding down my wrinkled face, as my hands move, under It’s guidance, and stuff comes out. And I’ll feel better a few hours later.

But It still visits frequently. I’ve come to know It, almost as a comfort because It has become so familiar. And thought It hurts me, and It makes me sad, and immobilized, there’s nothing I can do about it. So I fashion myself a shield of endurance, a bubble of isolation, because that’s what It really wants, right? And isn’t that what I really want too?

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